Why Can't My Partner Be My Doula?
As doulas we hear it so often "I just want to train my partner to be my doula." I must admit that I find it very sweet, the fact that women think so highly of their partners, but the reality is, the doula and her partner serve two different roles in supporting the laboring mother. Two specific roles that are of equal importance, but are definitely not the same!
The first thing that pops into my head when I hear this, is to provide an example or two: If you were planning to build a home or planning a wedding would you contract your partner to physically build your well thought out blue prints? Or hire them to grab an ear piece and be the full blown wedding planner/coordinator on your special day? Depending on their line of work maybe, but most likely not, right? Same goes for their role in acting as your doula around the time of your labor & birth.
Let's lay everything out on the table here: your birth is likely going to be the only live birth(s) your partner ever attends. If they are not the only live births they attends, this will be the only one where they have an emotional attachment to the person being born. Your partner is invested in the person who is physically going to birth this little being into the world. Not only that, but THEY helped create this little bundle! Your partner is such a valuable asset to the labor game, they usually have an in depth understanding of your history, know your greatest fears, your strengths, what you like to hear, and often know how to make you comfortable without even having to think about it. And usually how to get you to laugh your baby down & out - it's true, I've seen it! You two are the experts on your relationship and during labor they become not only your partner on this parenthood journey but your umbrella of safety, your haven and in their arms you may dwell for the onset of early labor, transition or your entire time pushing. Your partner is of great value, we as doulas would never try and replace your partner. Ever.
As doulas we are natural born supporters and are able not only to encourage the laboring mom but also her birth partner. Many times your birth partner (especially first time parents) feel supervised by hospital staff or home birth attendants and most of the time are worried they "aren't doing it right."
When in reality they are the ones that know mom best. As a doula we assure your partner to support you how they sees fit and if we as skilled doulas see that you may not benefiting from your partners well intended techniques we gently make suggestions or present other settle options or positions that will. It is a must that your partner feel involved and empowered too, we are here to facilitate that!
Years ago I read this: "When a doula attends a birth, she brings with her the strength, wisdom and knowledge of those sh has
served before you." I've heard it many times since and it is the absolute truth.
As a doula I pride myself on having evidence based information readily available to my clients prenatally, during labor and beyond. We birth professionals also don't have e̶g̶o̶s̶, if we don't have the correct information to weigh in we 9 times out of 10 know someone who does, we are not afraid to ask around and learn new things. Support and reassurance are what we specialize in, this creates something so important for the laboring couple - a sense of normalcy around their entire labor & birth.
Of course, we have a few techniques and comfort measures up our sleeve. But, reassurance and education prior to the experience makes it so easy for the mother to surrender to the process, whether it be a medicated birth or not. When she can be present in the moment, Partner and Doula can support her as a team and create a wonderful birth experience.
When asked if a Doula is a "third wheel" I always answer YES! We work as a tricycle, Partner and Doula in the back support the Mama wheel up front.
As always, thank you for reading, if you enjoy my original content please share!
Happy Sunday, Sara Avalos
Stay tuned! This week's featured topics will include a piece on Belly Binding and its benefits!
Comments